Finding Strength in Your Relationship Through the Perils of Poopy Diapers*

*Please note that I am writing this as if the parenting relationship is a two-person endeavor, however, this is certainly not always the case.  I believe that the same principles generally apply for relationships with multiple partners, it just got cumbersome and a bit distracting to write and read relationship(s), partner(s) connection(s), etc.  So please know that I recognize and support all forms of loving parenting teams.  I am also using the term “you” which I recognize is not going to necessarily fit perfectly with every reader of this essay.  The “you” that I am referring to is less about you, the reader, and more towards the ephemeral you/us/we/me/I that can share in these experiences – personally or as loving spectators watching this all unfold.
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Relationships enter a unique phase when a child is added to the household.  I believe this is true for every household, no matter how much help it may have, though it certainly hits harder the fewer resources a family has available.  I would love to say that I have figured out a magic algorithm that makes this time easier.  A key that will give a parent more hours in the day, more energy in your mind and body and more attention to give to everyone else and yourself.  Spoiler:  There is no secret key.  There is no organizational method or sleep schedule or exercise regimen that will keep a connection with your partner as robust as it was prior to the introduction of a whole new person to the mix.  Here’s the truth – no parents are going to have enough energy for their relationship.  People will want to connect but those kids are so needy and partners are adults so they can keep themselves alive, which really puts the adults’ wellbeing lower on the priority list.  So here’s what helps – in the midst of the chaos of children, a person can go downstairs after the kids are in bed for the night and look at their exhausted partner and say “I am so glad I get to do this with you”.   

There was a time when my first kid pooped so much that I cried. I seriously considered the idea of moving to a new house.  It felt more reasonable than cleaning up the massive dump my 3 month old had taken.  I think she pooped her body weight.  But here is the thing.  I called to my husband, “Our precious child just covered everything in poop.  Everything.  We need to move.”  And he came running up, looked at the situation, looked at me, wiped the poo from my forehead (because the girl didn’t just poop in her diaper, she buckshot her poop three feet into the air as soon as I took off her diaper), and then he did a very lovely thing – he waited for me to laugh first.  This is simple manners towards the person upon whom the poop has fallen. To laugh at someone with poop on their forehead is mean – but to laugh with someone is comradery.  And then we did laugh.  And we didn’t have to move.

So perhaps there is a key that will make holding a connection with your partner when you are both exhausted, covered in all manner of baby debris and overwhelmed beyond compare - - you laugh.  You find the humor in the chaos, the joy in the experience.  You laugh because anger won’t solve anything, tears won’t give you the energy you need to keep going, and worry won’t get the poop cleaned up.  We laugh so that the day of the poop explosion does not get filed under Worst Days but under Reasons I Love My Partner.  There is space for every possible emotion in parenting and they all have their place. I do think that the more time we can spend laughing, the closer we can be to each other and the more joy we can share in the parenting experience.  Perhaps the algorithm is – If laughter is a reasonable response, take it.