Privacy

I have realized that all the things that occur to a woman prior to and including giving birth are excellent preparations for the complete lack of privacy that comes with having a child.  Generally, mothers-to-be have nine months of being prodded and measured and contorted into various, vulnerable positions.  Personally, my husband and I had some trouble getting pregnant, so the fertility process introduced a whole new level of invasiveness.  I peed on ovulation test strips for months, was tested in a myriad of ways, and my body felt more like a broken vacuum cleaner than anything personal.  Something to figure out and fix; nothing too precious.  And even though there is not much private about our vacuum cleaner, I still don’t really want anyone analyzing its contents. I think we could probably feed a small village with the number of cheerios and raisins in there.  But when my body became more about function than feeling, I became much less self-conscience about it—that happened when I removed the “self” component of my body.
Eventually, we did get pregnant.  Then came the actual ordeal of giving birth which is a whole new world of exposure.  It was a time to get over any sense of insecurity or embarrassment about my body and its various parts and processes if I was going to get through that.  There just isn’t room for embarrassment. Fortunately, it can also be a very painful at times so I was quite distracted from the fact that my entire body is under the control of some primal force. Is there really space for decorum when stirrups or squatting is involved?  Not at all. 

With my first kid, my water breaking was a mess and it seemed to keep going, which I was not aware was a possibility.  As I sat on the hospital bed, another round of fluid escaped and I told the nurse, “I’m so sorry but I think I just peed on this bed.”  He was wonderful replying, “Oh don’t worry about that.  In fact, don’t you worry about any fluids for a while. We will take care of all of that for you.” Which is about the most wonderful thing a person can say when I was unsure of what is coming out of my body.  So then, regardless of how that baby is born, a body is on display for all to see and not in an artsy kind of way – no, in a purely biological way and you just have to go with it because there really is no turning back now. 
So that is how it starts – this letting go of privacy. 
It continues well past those initial months of checkups, pregnancy, labor and birth.  Breasts can lose all intimacy and desire and become solely functional.  I put a yoga mat in the bathtub next to our shower and just laid our daughter in there while I showered or other performed other bathroom tasks. 
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Of course people will say, “Well that is only for a while and then you will start to get more of your autonomy back and have more time to yourself.” Wrong.  My husband has never seen me pee (my thing doesn’t need to be anyone else’s).  But my children have sat on my lap while I’ve done my business.  My 2 year old toddled into the bathroom while I was having a moment. Sitting on the toilet I asked her to “please give mama a little privacy.” “Sure mama,” she said, and promptly closed the door and sat in front of me to tell me about her breakfast. Totally fine, kid, Mama has had an audience for much worse than this.