Moms--You are setting the standard for your daughter's body image - be careful what messages you are sending

        My mother is beautiful.  She has gorgeous red hair, striking green eyes and great legs.  She has always been a force: smart, encouraging and kind.  As a little girl, like most little girls, I thought my mother was the most powerful and wonderful woman in the world, I still do. Yet, within all of this strength there was always a piece of kryptonite at play:  my mother was always on a diet.
       From the time I was little I knew what a ‘diet’ was –which is similar to the 80% of 10 year-olds who have dieted at least once in their very short lives. My experience was not different.  And if the idea of a 10 year-old on a diet appalls you, as well it should, we need to talk about where those ideas are coming from and take action – yes mothers, it is time to face your body image issues, for the sake of your daughters.  I have worked with many young women who struggle with the hell that is an eating disorder and the fear and disgust that are inherent in body image struggles.  Whenever we talk about where their earliest messages regarding the importance of weight and shape came from –they talk about their moms.  Their relationship to their body is often shaped by their mothers and is often a reflection of their mom’s relationship to her own body.  From the way they feel about their weight, to how they feel about aging.
       Body image disorders are transgenerational.  We learn to overestimate the value of weight and shape, not only from cultural influences but most importantly, from our caregivers.  Moms- your ‘stuff’ is harming your daughters.  I know that the vast majority of mothers would never intentionally set their little girl on a path laden with self-doubt, insecurity, unhealthy habits, fear and shame.  You want your girls to feel beautiful when they look in the mirror.  You want your daughters to appreciate, accept and love their bodies -- no matter what its shape. 
        To address the some of the critics of body acceptance who say ‘what about obesity?  What about the health risks?  I don’t want my child to become complacent and unhealthy!”  First, everyone gets to feel pretty.  EVERYONE.  Not just people who are thin or who can run a 5 minute mile or who are blonde etc.  Body acceptance is not body complacency.  I promise that it is easier to take care of something that you love and appreciate rather than something that you despise and are ashamed of--shame is a terrible motivator.  You can both love your body and be working to live a healthier lifestyle.  There should be no messages of “when I’m thin then I’ll be happy” – it is this type of illogical thinking that builds a fantasy around thinness and its powers – it is not real.  Thin does not equal happy—look on any eating disorder unit and you will see that. 
        So moms – what do you need to do?  Model body acceptance.  Talk about what you love about your body.  The power in your legs, your curves, your strength, your smile.  It is tragic when I ask young women if they have anyone in their life who loves their body and they say no – and 99% say no.  Being around people who love and accept their bodies give others permission to do the same.  In a culture that makes a tremendous amount of money off of the insecurities of women, we have been trained to focus on our flaws.  Set a different standard for your daughters.  Teach them that they do not have to buy into (both literally and figuratively) those ‘thin ideal’ messages.  Inspire acceptance and pride.  Girls who love their bodies demand respect for their bodies from others and that is a beautiful and empowering thing.  And moms- if this is difficult for you to do that is ok.  If demonstrating body acceptance feels like you are selling something you don’t believe, I understand—do it anyway and get help for yourself. You are as deserving of feeling joy and comfort in your body as anyone else.  Talk to a professional, address your fears and insecurities for you and all those young women that you influence.
        As for my mother’s influence on me, I watched her slowly step into acceptance and then embrace the body that has done and continues to do so much for her.  I see women sit up a little straighter and breathe a little easier when she is around and speaks joyously of her laugh lines and the ‘signs of aging’ which to her are beautiful reminders of a life well lived.  I’m not scared of wrinkles because I have this beautiful example of how to age gracefully and to be comfortable in my skin, smile lines and all.